Honestly, I'm not sure what to share with you this week... White friends have been asking "How are you?" and "Have I ever been insensitive or unconscious of my privilege?" and want to know "What can I do?". Honestly - I don't have the answers right now. The racial tensions in the world threw open my own buried treasure chest of racist experiences. From being racially abused in primary school being called a "Paki" and told to "Go back to where you came from" to having a heated argument with a kid who called me "Coloured" when I was 8. I remember being confused, because to me colour-ed or colour-ing was related to crayons. I replied "I'm not a colouring book, I'm not coloured IN". But it shook me up and I felt so sad to be separated from the rest of the white class. I remember not feeling safe in my parents Off Licence when the neighbouring couple stormed in screaming racial abuse at my Mum. They threatened her "You don't belong here, no one wants you here" "Go back to where you came from" and so on, while my Mum held me and my younger sister close to her body trying to shield us. They then began shouting at me and my sister too, after my Mum mentioned calling the police. I must have been 4 or 5 years old. Even at that age I could feel their anger and thought how angry they must be to be shouting at young children.
Sometimes when things happen on a global scale they prompt us to look at ourselves on a micro scale. The universe is always conspiring for us to heal, evolve and grow. For me, its brought up fears of not being safe. Not being safe in my skin (because people verbally attack me) and not being safe in my environment (that shop was like a second home - our family property - and to be aggressively harassed in that way meant I'm not safe). In fact, only a few weeks ago the (white) neighbours of our tenants came banging on the front door screaming at me. She was beside herself with rage. Apparently, our tenants - who we are the landlords of, not the police - were not abiding by the early lockdown rules and - rather than knock on their door and speak directly to them - she used it as an excuse to come and harass us. Apparently we need to "Think about who we rent to." (The tenants are Eastern European). Her and her daughter were screaming so aggressively passers by were shocked. My whole body was shaking afterwards and I felt so angry to be harassed while in my own house. I found out later this wasn't the first time and has been a consistent pattern over decades.
So for me, I am healing the fear - of not feeling safe in my home, my environment and in my skin. And I'm holding the sadness of all the experiences in my treasure chest. And the sorrow and upset at the injustice. If someone doesn't like me or shouts at me because of my actions or behaviour then that's one thing. You don't have to like me and not everyone is going to. But to be shouted at, harassed and abused for nothing just because they don't like or are triggered by the amount of melanin in my skin - is heartbreaking.
For those asking me what they should do - as I say with anything - go within and let your intuition guide you.
- For some it'll be taking to the streets.
- For some it'll be donating to causes that speak to them.
- For some it'll be reading books and educating themselves.
- For some it'll be getting quiet and looking at their own prejudices.
- For some it'll be calling out the racist "joke" or "comedic" comment during a work meeting.
- For some it'll be sitting down with their kids and having a series of frank conversations.
- For some it'll be watching films on the topic that make them uncomfortable but wanting to learn about the stories of the oppressed.
- For some it'll be having awkward conversations with family members not tolerating prejudicial comments at family occasions.
- For some it'll be switching their social media to follow, watch and read ethnic voices and become empowered.
- For some it'll be volunteering at organisations helping the most affected by racism.
- For some - and I hope all - it will be to stop asking those whose skin isn't white "Where are you REALLY from?"
For me it looks like my own inner healing. And choosing even more consciously where I focus my purchasing power. I will continue to support Black and Asian businesses as far as possible. Choosing to influence my nieces and nephews in a positive and empowering way. For example, buying them non-white dolls and toys as well as white-skinned ones, demonstrating all colours play together. Buying story books with non-white characters as the main lead. Watching Moana and the Princess and the Frog as well my childhood favourite Cinderella. Educating ourselves and educating the next generation is key. As is using our influence with our purchasing power, what we read, listen to, watch - all the choices we make.
So this week, like every week, I share with you my truth. Hoping it helps, reassures or inspires you in some way.
With all my love,
Chandrika ❣️
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