The fear of speaking up for yourself

Here in England things have opened up, how are you finding it? Have you been inundated with invitations for outdoor meetings? Or maybe you've been the one making plans? I hope you've paused to check in with what you really want and how you really feel. Have you perhaps found yourself saying yes when really you wanted to say no? 

For me this week I had to speak up when a friend really wanted to meet for dinner (outside). Although we haven't seen each other since September, and he was trying to combine other plans with meeting me for dinner, deep down I knew I wouldn't be comfortable. I just didn't want to sit outside in April in England and have a meal. I felt myself getting persuaded at one point with the talk of outdoor heaters and blankets etc. but in the end I firmly stood my ground. And suggested an alternative (lunch when its forecast to be mild weather). It's not a huge deal but I just didn't want to. And I know from experience that any time I go against my gut feeling and if I push myself (to go along with the other person) it turns out to be a poor experience. Thankfully he's an understanding and considerate friend and we agreed a mutually convenient time and location. It got me thinking about speaking up, and the times when the other person/people aren't so understanding. 

So I'll give you a small example. Last summer, when the rules had eased, I visited my elderly grandparents. And, like all throughout my childhood when visiting them, the ice cream van came. I was so excited! What a treat to have a 99 cone, especially after so long because of the pandemic. So I got my card and ran out the house (much like in childhood 😂). As I approached the van, the man had his back to me and he was scratching his bum 🤢 I could see his underwear 🤮🤢🤮

I said "Excuse me" and he turned around. I immediately asked if he was accepting card payments (otherwise I wouldn't be buying). He said yes and went to get the card machine. He asked me what I wanted. I told him (99 with a flake of course) and politely asked him if he could sanitise his hands. He started walking to the front of the van muttering "I already sanitised after my last place" and I responded "I have elderly grandparents and need to be careful" refraining from pointing out he'd just been scratching his bum and who knows what else. The next thing happened so fast before I knew it he'd not gone to get the sanitiser but instead gotten into the driving seat and proceeded to drive off!!

I was left stunned on the curb.

This man, rather than make his only sale at this stop, had chosen to drive off rather than be told what to do. I'm not going to make assumptions about whether my race, gender or age had anything to do with his behaviour. Only he knows that. But, it left me on the curb WITHOUT MY ICE CREAM. So yes I stood up for myself and protected myself and my grandparents but also hadn't gotten my ice cream. My first thought was that it was Divine Intervention. I wasn't meant to have that ice cream and divine order had stopped me from getting it. Literally driving off the source 😂This is a small example and nothing sinister happened to me without my 99 cone 😂

But, it highlights a greater point about why we don't speak up. Why we hesitate before standing up for ourselves and asking for what we need.

Because the request might not be welcomed and we'll be left without.

We'll be left feeling we asked for too much

Or made to feel unreasonable

Or too demanding

(When really, I just wanted a non-covid, non-bum bacteria 🤣 ice cream cone 🍦) 

I want to remind you today that:

 Your requests are valid. No matter how large or small. 

What you want and how you want it is valid

We might not always get it. And we might get backlash sometimes. 

But the request, the need, the NO or YES is valid. 

And the more we allow ourselves to validate these requests within ourselves, the easier it is to voice them. 

Had I not asked him to sanitise his hands (for fear I've already asked too much in asking to pay by card) how much would I have really enjoyed that ice cream anyway?

This is a small example. But pertains to asking for a raise in your next appraisal. In asking guests to phone before 'popping over'.  In requesting your Mum/Dad/family member refrain from commenting on your weight/hair/face etc. In standing up for yourself when a 'well meaning' friend comments about your kids or partner. 

You can voice your needs and requests without aggression. Without malice. Just simply "I need this" or "Could you not do that in future please".

When we start with the small things (even though they may not feel small at the time) the bigger things (with your boss/mum/dad/sibling/partner/ones who trigger you or who are easily triggered) become easier because you've built the courage with the small things.

Like a muscle, keep flexing and building.

You got this. 

With all my love,
Chandrika ❣️

PS: Please share this article with anyone who needs this reminder 😍✨